'Nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
'but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who I'm proud of,
'cos every one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves,
'which they've me to thank for.'
Run for it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help.
'Lip's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan is like his mam, which is handy for the others
'cos she's vanished into thin air.
'We daren't let Carl grow his hair for two reasons.
'One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love him.
'Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change, but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam! Gonna be a star.
'Once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve - Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not.
'Fantastic neighbours - Kev and Veronica.
'Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh-heh-heh-heh! Scatter!'
(Lip) 'Honour thy father and thy mother.
'But we only knew where one of 'em was.
'Dad were making a good impression at Sheila's.
'He had more time for his extended family than he ever did for us.
'For the first time in years, I was actually starting to like him again.
'Even Karen seemed happier in his company,
'which made things tons easier for me.
'She were a great girl, Karen. Best sex I'd ever had, which always counts.
'Difference wi' this one was, I'd never actually been in love before.'
Right, it's been a week, so take your time.
- Dash, gear, pedal, yeah? - Yep.
- Got enough legroom? - Kind of.
That's fine now.
Failing to prepare is preparing to fail, yeah?
These all right?
What are you trying to do to me?
- There is a God! - Are you just gonna take the piss?
No, you look great. You know he got done for drink-driving?
Tell your smart-arse boyfriend it was four pints of lager, 15 bloody years ago.
I'm totally against all that now.
OK. Remember last week?
- (Karen) Mirror. Signal. Manoeuvre. - Manoeuvre. Go!
- (Skidding) - For Christ's sake!
- Lip! - (Lip) What did I do?
I like them sausages in the tin, Steve - the ones with the beans.
Mmm. Classy.
Test me.
This has gotta be a wind-up.
- What's wrong? - It's from the school.
Cheeky bastards.
"For those parents unable to attend tomorrow evening
- "a home visit will be made." - No way.
The school's gonna get onto t'social.
So what do you reckon, Lip?
We could say Dad's lost the plot so a home visit's a bit awkward.
We could say Dad's drank the plot.
Oh, God. Dad's gonna have to do the honours.
What? Some of us wanna go to sixth form, you know.
And he's the one they wanna see, to tick their boxes.
So if you wanna go to sixth form, make sure Dad goes.
- Didn't know you cared. - Course I care about your future.
You're my pension!
So if you don't turn up at school, some teacher turns up at your door?
- Yep. - Blimey.
You've no chance then. You'll have to stick some tape over Frank's gob
- and make him play dad for the night. - That's the plan.
That place was a right shit heap when we went. What's happened?
Dunno. They reckon there's too much parent apathy.
- Hammersley's been promoted to head. - Hammersley?
- Christ on a bike. - Don't.
At least Lip's doing all right.
He's a bloody genius, that kid.
Oh, is it nearly time?
Er, less than a minute.
I'll have to jib this bloody lark.
27 more weeks and then the catalogue's paid off.
- (Ringing) - Oh, thank God for that.
Hot bapsies all in!
- Adios, losers. - (Wolf whistle)
Ay-eeee-aye!
- Isn't that dangerous? - Nah, makes 'em come a treat.
It's me piece de... whatsit.
Che merda!
You took your time.
I'm gonna hop in the bath.
Will you tape Location, Location, Location? It's Norwich.
Live from Norwich, it's the Quiz of the Week!
- Peter Fenn on the organ. - Peter bloody Fenn.
Norwich. East Anglia.
Fens. Peter Fenn.... Must be more than coincidence.
- For God's sake. - With that name, he must be local.
You want to get out more.
You are a tonic.
'Tonight on Location, Location, Location, we're in Norfolk...
'We've got to the stage where we're desperate to buy.'
- 'And we do need to find a house...' - Shall I tape over a holiday programme?
(Sheila) There's some blank tapes there somewhere. Help her, Frank.
What are you playing at?
I'm finding a tape for me mum.
Wish You Were Here?
Oh, no.
No way.
And here?
Tracksuit top, trainers - by the kidney beans.
- 'I'm on it.' - Gormless chum. Acne.
Dustpan and brush.
- Sorry, we're closing. - Whoa.
Pockets.
And you, crater face. Is that a dustpan or are you just pleased to see me?
- Stick 'em where the sun don't shine. - 49p, please.
- Let us out or we'll torch the place. - Did you hear that, Officer?
(Both boys) Bollocks.
Arseholes.
'Here in Bawburgh, their favourite village.'
Oh, she's out.
(Karen) Come here, you.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Aaaargh!
- Stop it! - (Doorbell ringing)
All you have to do is tip up and smile.
You'll be in The Jockey by ten and I'm sweet for t'sixth form.
It'll take two hours tops.
Two hours of bloody boffins carrying on with each other,
looking down their noses, you know, with their BA (Honours).
BA? Bloody Arrogant.
- You only have to sit there. - If communism's so great
how come they've all got their own jars of coffee, with their names on?
Text off Yaz. Heaton Park have got the go-ahead. The Coral, the Stans,
the Bandits. How brilliant's that line-up?
- When is it? - A week Sunday, but it'll be sold out.
Ah, well, you wanna keep music live.
Yeah, and they'll be able to at 40 quid a ticket.
- I'm burning flint, love. If I had it... - You could have come with us.
- You're jokin', aren't you? - Am I the gooseberry type?
Look, you don't want me there.
- Why not? It'd be fun! - No, he's off to parents' evening.
l-l-l...
am goin'...
nowhere, with nobody.
Reet?
Got that?
Give us a hand with these.
- (Mobile ringing) - What's in it for me?
Blow job.
Hiya, Mam.
- Everything all right? - 'Bend your knees when you're lifting.
'And tell lan to stop picking.'
He'll get pock marks.
Higher...
Getting warmer!
Say, "Red Leicester."
Aw! No wave for your poor old mum, eh?
- That was my idea. - Jesus.
I already saved £2.48 in stolen goods.
What?
- How many cameras? - Two.
- What? Covering the whole floor? - Yeah.
Oh, shit.
We've still got the stockroom.
- Look, Kash, honestly... - Hands off! Eye in the sky, remember?
So keep your hands off the married Paki.
(Radio) '58 expected 100 miles north of Cape Finisterre, 968 by 0600 Monday.
- 'The area forecast...' - Shall we have the light off?
Viking. North Utsire. South Utsire. Forties. Cromarty.
All those places.
Rockall. Malin.
Hebrides. Bailey.
- Frank... - Yes, love?
When I'm cured, will you take me to Malin Head?
Anywhere you want, Princess.
- Where is it? - It's the Emerald Isle.
- Eight miles north of Malin. - Any time you like.
It's the most northerly part of the mainland.
Smashing.
Frank, I'd love us to go.
Then go we shall.
Me. You. Karen.
She could share the driving.
Yeah...
That's the beauty of CCTV. Shoplifters...
I'm such a tool. I didn't think about it.
Save on groceries and condoms. Do you get a discount?
You think you're so funny. You're not.
The thing is, Sheila, it's like...
I'm allergic to school. We all have our little phobias and school's mine.
I just hoped that you might do it for Karen.
It's not like these things are all about the kiddies, is it?
These days, it's all league tables and PR, spin and PR.
I could really do with someone to hold me hand.
Hear that? You've been like a father to her recently.
You've earned the right to go along tonight - in loco parentis -
- for me and Eddie. - Look.
I've just told me own kids to go swivel. For God's sake!
(Sheila, sobbing) If I could go myself...
You do know that, don't you, love?
(Frank) Jesus wept.
You are so coming tonight, Frank.
We've got a pass out for a couple of hours
and there's no way you're letting me down. I'd be gutted.
And my mam's bound to notice. She's got this knack.
Always getting the truth out of me.
And we wouldn't want that, now, would we?
Yeah, just a bit... A little bit back...
Yeah. Stop, stop, stop.
Try that.
'Check this.
'Can you see Shag Valley? Get down here now.'
We are home and dry.
(Grunting and gasping)
And where did you two spring from?
Oh, come on. We're gonna be late.
Oh, Frank...
In loco bleedin' parentis.
(Knock at door)
Hiya, Megan.
Hiya. Here for your session with agoraphobic Annie?
- Are we ready for the off? - Raring to go!
- Don't let her spend too much. - Come on!
Good luck!
- Parents' evening. - Time for a little retail therapy.
- Frank, you need to sign in. - Eh?
Oh. Righty-oh.
Did you know about this?
(Lip) What's he doing here?
- What you brought him for? - What the hell are you doin' here?
I'm here for Karen - loco parentis.
- Et tu, Brute? - No offence, Karen.
We said you couldn't come because you were in hospital.
- That's a fucking horrible thing to say! - Shhh.
Don't go tempting fate, you!
- Hospital? With what? - (lan) Liver dysfunction.
We knew they'd buy that.
No, look. They don't know him anyway.
- Unless he'd been when you were here. - (Fiona) Never.
And he's never been while me and lan have been here.
Hey, I'm all she's got cos her dad fucked... Remember?
That's what gets me about you lot. Generosity. Me, me, me.
The show is on the road. Point us at the first one, sweetheart.
Erm, chemistry's free.
I'm sorry. Am I... Am I early
or late? Eh?
- Oh! Dicky wheel on the trolley. - Swap it for a new one by the doors.
No, I... This one's fine, thanks.
I'll be right beside you.
- (Bleeping) - I can't.
- Sure? - Sorry, I can't.
OK, tell you what. Let's start in the drinks aisle.
Oh, a drink. Yes, please.
(Sighing nervously)
- (Bleeping) - Oh!
With respect, this is a parents' evening and you're a sibling.
- I'm a guardian while Dad's in hospital. - I've made the rule.
Home visit.
What if Dad doesn't get out? It is possible.
Oh, we're a doctor now, Phillip?
No.
But he is.
Steven McBride. I'm Fiona's husband...
to be. Mr Hammersley, I don't get it.
If Lip... Phillip wants to sit history and he's good at history,
what's to gain from stopping him?
Higher grades all round and a much more pleasant teaching experience.
- (Fiona) What did he get in his mocks? - He was lucky. Above average.
- 92%/%. - While his grades spiral
the others will plummet!
- He's disruptive. - I'm not.
- Contradictory. - I'm not!
- Shurrup, Lip. - (Steven) Can he and I have a moment?
- If things are being said, I wanna hear. - Fiona....
Come on, you.
- Look, I know what you're thinking. - No, you don't.
Smart-arsed little fucker?
Much, much worse than that.
Look, do you smoke?
How long you got left in the job?
72 and a half weeks.
Phillip's a keen lad.
- He wants to be an architect. - He's a twat. They all are.
Kids, staff, parents...
- No offence. - None taken.
You're not having one?
No, I try not to use that stuff when I'm... when I'm working.
Jesus Christ!
Cos it was massive, this thing.
See, I know for a fact that Pb is lead, T is tin, Z is zinc.
You had to know that to work at Hanson's steelyard.
I worked there till it shut down - well, no, I left just before -
but you had to be shit-hot at chemistry, you know.
Yeah. Never a truer word said. If you can read this, tell the teacher.
- Thank your teacher. - Thank your teacher.
- A lottery ticket? - Not today.
- Packet of fags for Frank? - No, I'd rather pay.
Where's your sense of adventure, Sheila? Come on, let's give it a try.
Past the fruit and veg. Past the carnations...
- It's too near the doors. - You're doing great.
Through the doors!
- You're fine. Look, we're here already. - It's too near!
Now, just the one ticket or shall we get a scratchcard?
The doors! I told you to turn at the doors.
Year zero, Gallagher. Clean sheet - no pun intended.
- You mean he can do history? - He can do what he wants.
And you won't shaft me with the course work?
Me? Get us a gun, Tintin.
(Hammersley giggles uncontrollably)
- What's Steve said to him? - How should I know?
What's all that about?
To gain strength, you must sometimes show weakness.
- What you on about? - I told him he still wets the bed.
He thinks he's got something on you.
- Where's the bogs, by the way? - Down there. Second right.
Is he serious? Pissin' the bed at my age?
Ahhhh. A lot of people do.
Pssssss...
(Low grunting)
(Giggling)
- Hey, we can't... - Oh, we can!
- Are you serious? - Toilets are blocked, mate. Come on.
Hammersley's gonna literally take the piss.
That's the only fact in life we really need to get used to - people can and will.
- Here y'are, Stevo. - Cheers.
- Pint, Kev. - Frankie, you're gettin' later and later.
It must be all those home comforts.
Yeah, Karen's had him up the school.
And a packet of dry roasted, Kev.
- He smells bad as well. - Sticks and stones...
How did you get on with the teachers, Frank?
Total waste of time. Bits o' kids teaching bits o' kids.
How long you been fucking Karen for?
Eh?
Sorry. Mum always tells me off for mumbling.
I said, "How long you been fucking Karen for?"
I don't know what you're bloody talking about.
In the toilets.
Your son's girlfriend, Frank.
Your girlfriend's daughter.
You're one twisted little shit, you know that?
Call time on it or I'll blow the whistle.
- What's that about? - Kev, another.
(Burping) And a whisky chaser.
I don't know. Two baths in one night.
Schools stink worse than hospitals.
Or pubs.
Tell me again, love.
- What? God. How many more times? - Please.
If I could have gone myself...
All right. He said she was developing into a very poised young woman.
"Very poised."
Quite the young lady.
Yeah, she's a woman all right.
The way they grow up these days.
She'll always be a baby to me.
My shopping didn't go very well.
What? Forgot the milk?
If I can't even get out the doors of a pretend supermarket...
how am I ever gonna get to Malin Head?
Hey, come on, come on.
We are going to Malin Head.
Eh? End of story.
Life's going on all around me, Frank, and I'm missing out.
Come on, Fi. Shh-shh.
You'll get through those doors any day now.
And you'll never look back.
If I could get tickets for Heaton Park, Karen would be well impressed.
Any chance you could lend us 80 of your pink pounds?
(Screaming)
- For God's sake, Debs, give it a rest. - It's massive!
- Like I can magic 80... quid. - You could always liberate it from...
- Till he scored... - Good shot, man.
Job done, Debs.
Right, Debs, your starter for 10.
"Which member of Atomic Kitten is sporting a face full of moth?"
Not Liz.
Ah, Jenny.
Hey-hey!
I've got 80 quid.
Listen, I'll pay you back.
- I'm not bothered. - I'm going to take Karen to a festival.
- I'll be well in t'good books. - Do you need extra, for snacks etc?
No, I've got enough for that.
Look, Debs. I do think you're a bit weird sometimes,
but... good weird.
- All right? - Whatever.
Has she taken her sleeping pill?
- No. - Who's a bold boy?
Listen, there's no easy way to say this.
It's my lad.
- What about him? - Look, something's gotta give here
and, as usual, it's yours friggin' truly. I can't do it to the lad.
I mean, me and you. Massive.
Are you dumping me?
No way!
Hey, driving lessons - I'm there.
Help with your studies. Fix your hi-fi. I'm there. Just no more... the other.
You can't do this.
A man has gotta look his son in the eye,
hasn't he?
I mean, I held him the day after he was born.
A dad. I held him.
And everythin'.
You're massive.
Aye.
- See you later. Good night. - Night.
- Can't half rabbit, my mam. - Still, you fixed her shower.
And your halo's never been brighter.
You've got to see this.
- Let's just go, eh? - Wait a minute.
It's a killer.
- It's a Houdini jobby. - Yeah?
Right.
There's lan, see?
Disappears by the veg.
And there's my husband.
And what do you know? Disappears into the same Bermuda Triangle.
- Yvonne... - Oh!
But the grand finale.
Here we go.
Wait for it.
Four and a half minutes later
there's lan
and there's the father of my children
with his shirt...
hanging out the back of his trousers.
- Jesus. - The original lifted shirt.
- Yvonne... - Keys.
And the car keys.
(Rock music on inside)
(Music continuing)
Karen? Karen?
I'll leave your cuppa by the door, OK?
Do you think she's angry with me? Projecting?
- I read it in my Dear Julie column. - (Frank) Dear Julie?
She knows the square root of fuck all.
Maybe I clip her wings in ways I didn't even realise.
Would you like me to have a word with her?
- Oh, that'd be wonderful. - Oh, the kid'll love that (!)
There she is, having a lie-in - happy as Larry.
Next thing she knows, Nurse Looney Tunes is sat at the end of her bed!
No offence, like.
(Footsteps on stairs)
(Door slams)
It's not hereditary, Frank. I'm not catching.
(Mimicking trombone)
- Francisco? - No chit-chat. Give us a large whisky.
- What have you said to the kids? - Oh, you know.
"Daddy's going to hell in a handcart. Daddy likes hot cock!"
- Like I'm gonna tell the kids. - And what about me mam?
Oh, you bastard.
Well, what about me?
I'm sorry.
New house rules. We shag until I get pregnant.
- What? - I want another baby.
Yvonne!
From now on, you kip up there. You can only come home to visit the kids,
and once I'm pregnant, shag who you like - front or back -
but not here and only after I'm up the duff.
And what about him?
- There's summat you should know. - Me first.
Da-da!
Oh, my God.
Heaton Park... Well, these cost a fortune.
I had to flog one of my kidneys. I'll be fine.
You're mad.
I love you, you clown.
- Do you want to watch a vid? - No, look.
There's no easy way to say this.
- We should stop seeing each other. - What? Cos the sex is crap?
I just think it'd be better if we were mates.
- If it's because I said "I love you"... - It's not that.
What was all that about?
Payback for the fucking tickets?
An 80 quid special?
Great. Look...
You don't have to dump me. I don't love you, honest.
- I'm sorry. - Please don't do this.
Look, I don't love ya.
Is there somebody else?
- What are you doing up here? - I'm gone.
Lip?
Look, please don't say owt.
Oh, Lip...
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's leave him alone.
Who do you reckon it is, then, Lip?
I'll twat him for you.
She took both tickets.
Nice.
Blew you off then blew you out.
You're about this funny.
So why you laughing?
Cos I'm 80 quid down and my girlfriend's dumped me!
- Heaton Park. Any takers? - No chance.
- She'd never know. - I thought Lip was going with you.
Lip's history.
Go on, you.
Me.
Away from this place.
K, you and me are finito, kid.
Aye. Comprende?
Well and truly finito.
Get yourself an E or somethin'.
- (Frank) Ta-ra. - (Door closing)
State of you!
You're too kind.
- Come on. - Whorrr!
Am I allowed to say you're worth ten of her?
Oh, the top's open. There's a surprise.
I don't know what's got into Dad lately.
Driving lessons for Karen.
- Parents' evening. - Yeah.
More of a dad to her than he's ever been to us.
What's got into your daddy lately, eh?
- How's your love life, lan? - What love life?
- No girlfriend keeping you up all night? - In my dreams.
(Mouths)
(Yvonne) She knows.
He's trying to tell you that I know.
The bad news is you've had your hands in my husband's boxers.
But it could have been worse.
You could have had 'em in the till.
- I'm not sacked? - Take over here.
Gaylord'll fill you in on the terms and conditions.
- Oh, and lan. - Yeah?
Lose the black hole of Calcutta.
lan, come here.
Don't ever...
touch him again.
My dad, isn't it?
(Sobbing)
Hey!
For Christ's sake.
You fucked her!
Sounds like Frank.
It's Lip!
Oh, my God!
You fucked her!
- Help! - Dial 999, Karen!
I'm coming, Frank!
Help!
I'm coming, Frank!
Get off me. Let me kill him!
He fucked her. Get off me.
I'm gonna kill him! Get off me. He fucked her and I'm gonna fucking...
Now, come on. Ease off. Stop it.
You animal!
Ow!
(Frank) Look, Sheila... (Lip) He fucked her.
- Get yourself up, mate. Come on. - Get off me.
- Come on, get yourself up. - Just get off me.
- Get off me! - Calm down, mate. All right?
Oh, oh-oh, oh.
Baby.
Why, Frank? Why would he do this to you?
Because he's a bloody psycho.
I told him straight -
nice and reasonable,
"You'll get your 20 quid when me Giro comes."
Next thing I know, he's beating me to death.
What? All this over money?
Yeah, bloody pin money.
I wish you'd have asked me for it. I'd give you anything.
No, I don't want to take advantage...
(Sheila) You're too soft, Frank.
Ahh.
Oh, Frank.
Oh, baby.
When did you find out?
A few days ago.
Exactly?
Two.
I'm sorry, Lip.
Suppose I could do a ciggie.
Some toast.
- Do you want me... - Peanut butter. Two slices.
- Cut up in little triangles or something? - Surprise me.
- Think I'll have it in my room. - Yeah?
- (Tapping at window) - (Frank) Lip?
Open the window, Son.
(Frank) I'm sorry, OK? I'm a twat.
No, I am. Prize prick.
If your grandad were here, he'd be saying the same.
It's totally...
down to me. I know. You know, we all do...
Well, not totally, is it? She's completely...
Well, it's like the moon orbiting round the Earth.
These things sometimes fly off in your face, don't they?
We can't hold that against her, Son, can we? She's young, she's footloose.
We're both victims in this - you know, you and me.
Both bloody victims, like...
How can I ever say I'm sorry?
Fuck's sake!
Oh, OK. All right. Fair enough. Is it...
(Lip) 'She moved into her grandma's that night. I've seen her twice at school.
'She didn't see me. Honouring thy father - takes some doing.
'They say give to receive,
'which is impossible with somebody who believes in share and share alike.'
(Man) How do, Frank?
- Yeah, not bad. OK. Good night. - Good night.
Who are you? Who said you could come in?
Two grand of debt, and mounting!
Pay up or he does without. We're talking legs.
Where is he? Know what your new name is, Frank? Dead Man Walking.
I reckon he's used his full name somewhere.
Request from the Child Support Agency for a domestic circumstances appraisal.
What's this got to do with them?
Your mum must have asked for a summary.
You know where she is?
- You know where Mum is! - No.
- Liar. - Think I'm going round chasing skirt?
A bloke couldn't love anybody more than I love you.
Mum...
Past the fruit and veg.
- It's too near the doors. - You're doing great.
(Sheila) Hang on.
They're charging 3.80 for panty liners. How's that worth coming out for?
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